swlnyc2017

So I am on Day 66 today and I am really grateful for that...could not have done it without my outpatient treatment program, AA, and my higher power (whom I call God). For a brief moment last night, I got caught up in a tornado of self pity, fear, discouragement , and exhaustion. I'm burned out. I had a long week at work. I'm overextended and doing too much. With good intentions I've been trying to help people, but at the moment I don't think I am in a place where I can be doing too much of that. One thing I have noticed since I have gotten into treatment and recovery is each week seems to have a theme. Each week presents a series of obstacles, insights, glaring character defects, failures or successes. They begin on Sunday and come to their head on Thursday, if I am unaware they are called to my attention on Friday and then Saturday is a time of reflection and discussion, along with prayer. Last night I had a rough group treatment session, the counselor was having none of my BS, and called me out (rightly) for my tendency to take other peoples inventory, mind other people's business, and offer more help to someone that what they require. I seem to have this thing that if I just run myself ragged to the point of exhaustion and help other people, and fix their lives, then maybe my life will come together. I probably also get some kind of buzz of it too. I have to look at this deeper. The problem is is that right now, I am in early recovery again, and I need to be keeping the focus on myself, I need to be following my sponsors suggestions (which I am). I am not really available to get too involved with other peoples issues at this time simply because I am still in treatment, by last bout with active alcoholism led me to end stage alcoholism and I am trying to save my own life at the moment. I'm working a pretty tight program. I really have to be wary of distractions. I have to keep my life right sized right now. I had brief thoughts of drinking last night, thoughts of "what's the use, I'll never get this, let's just go out with a bang" I couldn't get any sober pals on the phone, my sponsor was not available...I felt alone and afraid...but then I remembered another call I could make "Came to believe a power greater than us can restore us to sanity"... and "As we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right thought or action". With that, I felt some relief. Today I realize that there will be painful times in this recovery process. I will now see myself for who I am, not through the lens of alcohol. There's a lot of work to do. But I do not have to do it alone. Thank God for the Big Book, it's been a constant companion as of late. I am relaxing today and taking it easy. I don't have to work. I just have a meeting to make later. A friend is celebrating an anniversary and I am grateful I can show up for that