I'm really,sorry for your loss waxfruit - and for what your mom said.
Please don;t use this is an opportunity to beat yourself and get lost again.
It's obvious your friend was in real pain.
I'm sure the last thing they would want would be for you to get lost as well.
There are some really good thoughts on guilt and loss here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-what-if.html
I tried filling the gnawing chasm of pain in me with booze too - it never works.
It just kept me in a holding pattern - I'd numb the pain but never allow it the chance to heal.
I know it hurts but you're not alone - let us help waxfruit.
D