Thank-you all so much for your replies, and links to further reading. I will examine the links as soon as I finish this.
Everything you all wrote is what I needed.
I DO know who I am outside of addiction issues which is part of what makes those issues so difficult for me to deal with. This is a fairly new relationship as I was married to a tea totaler for over 30 years. He died just a few years ago.
My guy has been home for a few days now and I must say he's doing very well. He goes to meetings daily on his own...totally self motivated in that area which is very good. It's good to see that in him, and it's great for me not to have to ''play mama'' so to speak. He's a grown man and is acting like one instead of the tyrannical ''King Baby" he was before. Not that those tendencies aren't there, but tendencies are one thing, actively over doing it is another.
He's also showing good signs of establishing some boundaries with people he's needed to set them with.
One of my fears was in not knowing who is is without active addictions. I didn't know if he was a good guy, or an even bigger tyrant. You know, some folks are uptight and overbearing sober, but loosen up and become quite personable after a few drinks. I've seen him attempt not to drink here and there, and he was miserable.
But something has happened to where he changed his mind. This I HAVE seen before back when he got off crack. He's been in rehab before and he walked out having learned nothing, refusing to apply what they may have tried to teach him. I'm not seeing that now. I'm seeing a man who's mind has changed about some things, and who is applying what he's learning. He said detox actually helped him. One thing that helped was learning that he has a disease. He saw men who were more progressed who experienced injuries as a result of seizures, so he saw where He was headed. His father died of alcoholism, and about a year ago, so did one of his roommates. He saw his future, and decided that's not the future he wants.
He has a 'moment' of grouchiness now and then...which is OK. He's human and wrestling with himself. When he steps over then line I gently call him on it and he stops. Appologizes. When he catches himself doing something he knows is wrong, he corrects himself.
It feels more like the 'normal' life that I'm used to. I hope and pray that he continues on his course.
He will be going to dinner with his sponsor tonight, and then to a meeting. I'm so glad for him because he has a good sponsor, and has some healthy activities to look forward to. He's not in limbo as he would be if he were flying solo. It also gives me breathing space to visit here or just enjoy doing the things I enjoy also.