Thanks everyone... Ya I definitely am grieving and do OK most hours, but I still have that part of me that deeply cares for him and wants him to get better and be the man he use to be so we can be together and just wonder if he is actually saddened by this or happy...which I guess I shouldn't care. Along with that part, I have about a pin point or less of hope it'll ever happen.. I think with moving and losing everything including him and my job and belongings, its just been overwhelming trying to get everything together again and when I feel that way I resort to... I would be ok if I was still there, and maybe things could've worked out or got better. I just need to get my life together here, and get a steady schedule to keep my head straight. Without constant things to do, my mind is my worst enemy. I want to be better. I want to be strong again. But I need a path. I hate feeling like I complain or... am weak when I post on here, but I know that I need support even if its just a quote or virtual hug back. My family doesn't understand why I am so emotionally destroyed over this and get angry and disappointed in my non progress.