Old 10-18-2017, 04:25 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Viperidae
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Hi folks. Welcome to new people. I just came in yesterday. Member for years... 100 days is probably my record. This garbage has ruined my life. 47 and back with living with my parents. Yes I have chronic illness, but it would have been absolutely controllable without the booze. So many years feeling sorry for myself and blaming everyone else. I lost out on a big chunk of my life being sick and continued screwing it up with the alcohol. I was raised by a good intentioned, but angry, disapproving, drunk, businessman.

Being infuriated that my peers or people with far less to offer than me, exceeded me in every way. Attorneys, hedge fund managers, scientists, architects... it sucks. Always blaming everyone else. Angry at the world. Poor me. I want to smash that part of me with a bat.

Luckily I learned compassion from being ill. I learned how precious and special life is and that I don’t want to spend it the way everyone else chooses to. That’s part of what held me up. Knowing that deep down inside I wanted something different (like being a field biologist), but having no clue on how to build a slightly unique life. And no confidence or self esteem. Eventually just drunk facade and bluster.

So now I know. And I’m sure we’ve all been through the regret, the blaming, the self shaming, the anger, and the ‘woe is me’ garbage.

Well luckily may parents house is huge. Dad hated his 2 year old expensive mattress and got a new one, so we set up the his old one in my back ‘quarters.’ Across the mud room from the house is a TV den and a large room with a fireplace that was my dad’s office, with a full bath. We put the Tempur-Pedic on the floor and cleaned up the room today. New sheets and washed some bedding for it. I didn’t mind being on a nice camping pad back there, but this should be luxury.

This makes me happy and sad. I don’t want to be here and don’t know how much longer they’ll be around.

More later. Day 5 done. Sorry I’m always on my iPhone so I make a lot of typos.

Viper
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