Thank you again for your responses. They truly do help put things in perspective. Please bear in mind this only happened a month ago now...and today we would be celebrating a monthaversary together so it’s tough. We would have been engaged for one year a month from now, and I haven’t heard from her in just about two weeks. I don’t expect to either, or at least would be surprised to. But I’m not currently chasing, nor in contact.
It’s interesting though...today, ironically, two of her best girlfriends, her sister, and her mother all reached out to me today. One of her friends just letting me know she hasn’t talked to her, and simply can’t press send to text her. She also asked how I was doing. The other friend wants to catch up since we last talked about two weeks ago, and has similar sentiments. The sister wants to chat, and the mother and I talked for a bit on the phone. All these poor folks are heart broken, confused, and hurt by her actions. But many, including the mom, have decided to just keep their distance. It is a sad reality to realize how good of friends and family she has when they care so much but are helpless, just as I am. Ironically, these people all think the world of me, and care enough to wonder how I am, for which I am grateful. In some small way, this makes me feel good.
The mom doesn’t approve of what she’s doing, but there is nothing she can say to change it. I asked her if she ever had her doubts of me, and she said no, that we were all very proud, but that I****(her) has something deep in her eating away at her long before me. Although when getting my doctorate, I**** and I had long conversations about it, and she agreed it was the right thing to do, supported me, was so proud, but in the end the mom thinks she wasn’t overly approving (funny fact-the mom wrote me a letter of recommendation to get into grad school!). So, although this is speculation, we have to consider that maybe the things she deflected upon such as some minute things like “me not putting a soap dispenser away” and some maybe questionably bigger things like “finishing my doctorate” we’re just ways of saying she wasn’t happy with herself, and the mom agreed.
The grandiosity of thinking there is a perfect love out there as one member wrote of is probably part of the alcohol, but the deeper issues seem to be haunting her...and maybe she thinks in her hazy way that running away will solve that. However selfish it is. I know nothing she will experience will be as organic, or loving as our relationship was when it was very good (until she wasn't sober regularly). This is what I hope she comes to find.
I read quotes a lot lately, that are uplifting to me, but also think some apply to her way of thinking in a distorted way...this being one: “if you don’t like who I am or what I’m doing with my life, that’s alright. I’m not living for you, I am living for myself”. While I can see the positivity in this, and how it should apply to all people, I look at how she would take this...and essentially think this is exactly what she’s doing. But a normal person would say “sure I should live for myself, but not destroy everyone else along the way, or hurt or leave my loved ones.”
I say currently that I am living my life for me, not for her, and especially not for the decisions of a raving alcoholic. I mean no offense to you out there struggling with this still, but for a person who does not share this problem, and sees the selfishness of addiction, I can’t help but say “damn it, I didn’t deserve this!”
Today is a day of some clarity and not overly heavy emotions(at least not yet). It is days like today that I can see clearer the bigger picture, and the good people that still care about me that she left behind.
It doesn’t mean I’m not wondering what she’s doing, or that my love for her has diminished. It just means I don’t have a choice with what she does. It means I have a choice with what I do. And I have connected with some really great people lately that have some very positive attributes and thinking. If she could have only cleaned up, she would be part of this new happiness(or at least a wink of happiness in all this darkness). But that’s not my loss, it’s hers. I’m becoming a better person, and she is losing out. Hell she is still drinking and making outrageous plans with a person she knows nothing about other than that they are addicts like her! I know we can’t predict the future, but good luck finding someone as patient as me! I don’t want to toot my own horn, but although I wasn’t perfect, who is? I was pretty damn awesome to her. I accept this reality of imperfection, I accepted it for me, for her, her addiction and financial woes, and other things. It’s just part of life. The hope is that maybe she will appreciate this some day. I know her mom said that when she talked to her a bit ago, she (not mom) was concerned about the new guy going through some tough things...well, she should have seen this coming, you’re both addicts with problems! After this weekend where I have a trip with my brothers and dad to Austin, TX, I will start writing down what I want, what I think of her, how I feel, and start to think about what I would say to her when/if she calls me. I think this is a very real possibility, or at least 50/50 chance. So I better think this through. Likewise, I am going to try the wailing wall, I think tomorrow morning before I leave so I can get it all out there.
Today I am strong, and today is all I can take care of. I’m sure I’ll be back on here sobbing or searching eventually, but today I am strong. Today, I don’t have a problem with someone else’s issues. Thank you everyone. Sorry for the long post, but I had to say this! Please keep the responses coming, it helps to know I’m not alone, and I really appreciate the recovering individuals for pointing out their similar traits when using, it helps to know that she isn’t unique in her actions/words....that this is par for the course(in some weird terrible way for her). I don’t feel alone thanks to all of you, and that counts for so much in my eyes.
Keep the comments, ideas, thoughts coming! Please!