Hi
I originally didn't want to reply because I know how it hurts and words don't feel enough some times. But I will add my experience so you know you are not alone.
When we first split I lived minute to minute literally. I remember walking from the shop back home (didn't have a car which added to my feeling of hopelessness) concentrating on one foot in front of the other. I was so distraught I had to focus to be able to do a simple thing like walking.
Minutes felt like hours and all I did was cry.
I journalled how dark everything felt even though the sun was shining and birds was singing. I was emotionally "frozen".
People around me were living life talking and carrying on with everyday stuff. I felt like I was in a " invisible box" compared to them. They couldn't relate to me or what I was going through. I couldn't even try to explain.
Fast forward a few years. I am living my life without my xa and things are so much better. I have a calm clean place of my own. I am no longer drained all the time mentally and emotionally. My confidence has grown. I have a better relantionship with myself and others because i had the space to work on me instead of working to improve someone else. My finances are picking up nicely - I just get by and by no means rich but I am independent.
I look back at what I wanted with the xa. It was a projection of what could've been and not how it really was. I wasn't really happy and tolerated most of it. I was in denial. It hurt to leave. But it is sooooo much better.