GoodguyJoel

Tomsteve:

She did display things that could be characterized as narcissism. In fact, she used to claim that she is a manipulator. That she "only used it for good" but that she knew she had this skill. Being pretty, and outgoing, it was easy for her to get what she wanted. My brothers wife told me a story of one time where she, my ex, and my mother were all talking about someone they knew having a great success in their job, and how wonderful it was. Then my ex jumped in the conversation and said "I just did XYZ!" My brothers wife was taken aback by this saying that it was kind of unnecessary and totally out of place since the conversation wasn't about her. Unfortunately, this was common place. Since I was doing my doctorate, and she was for a long time not doing anything with herself, there were many times where she seeked attention, and spoke very highly of her skills, almost trying to prove to me that she was of equal import. I never once looked down on her or anyone for that matter for not having equal education, as I believe educations such as mine are only useful if you really know what you want to do. That being said, I think this left her feeling inadequate. When reality was, I was just a poor graduate student, with a hopeful future. Likewise, with her real estate endeavors, she imagined she would be selling million dollar houses within only a few months of developing her own company. When this failed, it was too much for her to handle and really dove into drinking.

The grandiosity of this type of thinking then, and her current situation (now, with saying she is going to move to Miami and do real estate) is very evident to me now. It is not like you would go to one of the largest real estate locations on the planet, and have instant success. She always figured she could do it on her own, and was too good to work under a boss. A realistic approach would be to join a team, and work for years developing skills and connections, then venturing off on your own. But her claims are not grounded in a realistic view of how the world, and business works.

The reason I am explaining this is not to just tear her down, it is because in addition to her sober behavior, which lots of it was "all about her," the elements of narcissism were exacerbated through alcohol. This leads me then to how she discarded me, and moved on immediately. The idea of narcissistic supply is very relevant here, where a person who doesn't get what they want (immediate gratification), can easily discard that source (me/her family) to find someone who will give her that positive view of herself that is unrealistic. It isn't that myself/her family weren't positive, we would try to help her stay in reality saying that hard work is required for the things we want. And often times, this was too much, and hence turned to drinking. The coping skills aren't there...and this is where I find myself saying I was let go because she was not only not feeling positive about herself after multiple bouts of huge insobriety, but also that she would have to face the damage she had done. This makes sense that a person with these characteristics would flee instead of confront their issues. This also makes me wonder of her inadequacy feelings...like if she just gets with a guy who is of equal education, but is more successful than me, then she "wins." Such is the case with the person she ran off with (at least his current monetary situation).

I know I only give a few examples here, but could obviously list more. And as time went on, I saw how this behavior, mixed with depression, alcohol, and lack of self worth can lead a person to be very unstable. Finding this guy and leaving with him feels to me like she is looking for a clean start, but geographical changes don't fix who you are, you follows you. As for their relationship...well I can't speak to that currently, and that's why I ask about if anyone knows much about rehab romances...their success rates/failure rates, and what I should expect of such a change.

Let me know if any of you have more focused thoughts on that issue in particular. Thank you.