Hi
have a lot of horrible things in my past, too. But, I can deal with the memories sober. I don't know if you're a spiritual or religious person, but I find comfort in talking to the god of my understanding.
I keep my feelings to myself otherwise. I think I would go crazy if I didn't have an outlet.
I see a shrink, too. Do you see a therapist also? That can be a great help, too.
I understand where you're coming from and it's nothing a drink will make better. Trust me, I buried and 'dealt' with these memories for thirty years by drinking.
I feel for you and am sending good vibes your way.