dellaND

I am... 6 days out of a 3.5 year relationship with an alcoholic (his choice, not mine) and I had never thought I was codependent until I joined SR and started reading posts. Now that I'm realizing what I gave up, how I changed myself and my actions for him and our relationship, and everything I tried to do to help him... I am codependent, as much as I hate saying that. I have clung onto reading feeds and posted one story of my own and reading replies to keep me from begging him to take me back. The more I learn about his alcoholism and my codependency, it keeps my thoughts from running back to him and trying to figure out ways I could've changed things or helped him more or be better for him. I'm still very early in the breakup, and every minute of everyday is a hurdle to get through without him, but I try to remind myself of what I'd be doing if I was with him...but I know what I'd be doing... sitting and waiting to see if he'd come home, if he'd lie where he was or who he'd be with, if he'd be drunk already or crabby and stressed and blame work but take it out on me, if he was going to want to spend time with me that night or go out alone, if he'd tell me he loved me that day or hated me, if I could tell him about my day or what I'm thinking or if I'd have to stay silent not to upset him... I think, I wonder what he's doing since I'm not there... but I know that too, he's either working and then drinking, or just drinking, or drinking then working... I do have a demon that tells me, he probably quit now or is controlling himself and living this glorious life and hanging out with friends and new women that compliments him better and he's so happy and not even thinking about me or everything we had. That is the current hurdle I'm trying to work on...