Heya Theguy
I recognize that feeling - I was/am going through the same thing. Even with Mrs Sectus in rehab, I felt like I needed to manage everything. Deal with the threatening situation. Tame the chaos.
I suppose it is to be expected. The alcoholism had let in a lot of bad noise, and my partner was unfunctioning, could not be trusted, was lying, did harmful things... and there was just me to make sure the damage was limited. This is baffling, threatening and terrifying, so I would go into crisis mode. I ran on a mixture of baffled anger and adrenaline. It was like one of those vaudeville acts where a clown is balancing spinning plates on tall poles, and me running around keeping all of them spinning, and every time one of them was going again, another would start to wobble at the other end of the stage...
Even when the drinking stopped for a little while, some of that feeling would remain. I think that for the last 5 years or so, it never really went away. It just sort of receded into the background a bit. At some level it was always present. There was always that anxious feeling in the back of my mind - what if she got drunk and I am not there? What am I going to find when I get home? Are the kids ok? Has she fallen and hurt herself again?
However, I found that as I started to learn about enabling behavior, codependency, and their relationship to alcoholism, it started to get a lot better. We are not in charge of fixing alcoholism. All we can do is look at ourselves, and start to notice the unhealthy things alcoholism has lured us into doing... even though we were not the ones drinking! I think first it is a good thing to give ourselves the time and space to heal up a bit first. Then, when we have had a chance to take a good deep breath, we can start to learn how to stop doing those unhealthy things to ourselves, bit by bit.
For me, mindfulness techniques helped a lot. The Rehab centre where she is also offers a lot of information and support. Are you looking into anything like that at all?