Trying to be strong
I used to drink everyday. I used to wonder if half a bottle of hard liquor was enough for an evening at home by myself. Everyday at work I was fighting a hangover, I even would fight panic attacks because I felt like I was dying. I'm only 29. Now I don't drink and I've lost 35 pounds. I hike on the weekends, which I never could have done when I was drinking. I don't feel like I'm dying anymore but I struggle daily. I haven't drank in 9 months and I feel like I'm having a harder time than ever. I recently went to a party and there was heavy drinking. Everyone was having such a good time but me. I felt panicky all night and when we got home I told my husband I wanted to drink socially again. He told me all the reasons that's not an option anymore, but in my mind I just kept thinking about how awkward I am when I don't drink and now my life just isn't as fun as other people that can still drink. I felt so weak. He is also a recovering alcoholic and I know me bringing up my triggers and hearing my problems is hard for him, although he's always very supportive. Even a person at work saying something about alcohol makes me crave it. I know what alcohol did to my life. After I stopped drinking I kept telling myself I wasn't really an alcoholic, I just drank too much, an alcoholic sounds so serious. Now I see I was an alcholic. The way the smallest thing is a trigger, it's not easy. I am just happy I found this forum, it's nice to see others feel the same.