Hi shauna,
I think what you are going through is perfectly normal for you right now. It seems that you are starting to see and feel the things that you weren't able to before, and you are getting angry about them, but then you go back to having more feelings for him then you have for yourself. I would say when I felt like that it was when I was switching stages from denial to acceptance, but denial kept wanting to come back.
You went through a lot, and it's a long process to get yourself back.
Keep posting, here for you.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy