Hello class and newcomers!
Day 7 and it feels good to have the first week behind me. Still feeling pretty angsty, but I had a CBT session today and talked it over.
Exploring the whys of drinking has been helpful. I’ve always been addicted to something - self harm, cigs, weed, alcohol; just always maladaptive coping mechanisms. I’m working on “checking in” instead of “checking out.” I always give 110% of myself to everyone and everything else. I thought it’s what made me feel good about myself. Mostly I’ve realized it’s just codependency. Putting my self-value onto other people. I’ve always thought I was a pretty sensitive person, but it turns out I know zilch about emotions/feelings and how to identify and work through them. To me, it’s just been anxious and not anxious. Numb or not numb. Joy, excitement, nervousness, sadness, anger; it’s all wrapped up into one manifested into physical anxiety. When anything resembling a feeling comes up, my first instinct is to shut it down (apparently PTSD related from a traumatic childhood).
So instead of shutting down or looking for something external to numb, I’ve been sitting with and working through things. It’s been enlightening and terrifying. But I have to get through it to come out on the other side a better person who can show my kids emotional intelligence and not have them repeat the cycle.
Great work to everyone! Even if you’re struggling or have relapsed, you’re still here and still trying. Be proud. Make the changes and adjustments you need to not to get tripped up again. We’re stronger than this. We can do it. Reach out and ask for help if you need it.