Things get better. Hang in there!!!
The brain is absolutely amazing in how protective it is... to the extent that it can and will shield a person from trauma by creating an illusion of safety in very dangerous situations.
Now that it's safe to process these things, it's letting you work them out. It sucks. It hurts. It does get much, much better.
Pray, ask for direction, ask for eyes to see and ears to hear... and expect God/Universe/Mother Earth/Great Spirit to show up for you. Get mad, expect happiness... let your heart get involved in this process.
What does your current support network look like? What would you like it to be?
That random wtf thought of suddenly wanting what you KNOW you don't want will quickly go away with no contact.
For me, there was an uncomfortable void that was needed before I was meant to fill it with new, beautiful, wonderful people and relationships.
You're asking great questions and doing great things for yourself.
(((((Hugs)))))