Today has been kind of hard. It’s Day 9 and I thought a lot about drinking. I didn’t act on it but I’ve definitely been resenting the hell out of the fact that I can’t just time travel to I Don’t Care O’Clock just by drinking anymore.
As I’ve mentioned, this is my second go. I quit once for nearly six years. My life has two main groups of people in it. On one hand is my mom — daughter of an abusive alcoholic who thinks literally anyone who drinks at all is just a sip away from death. She has never approved of me drinking, period. On the other hand is everyone else. I binge in secret so the rest of the world doesn’t have any clue that I might drink two bottles of wine on a Tuesday night. And the thing I’ve realized is there is no reply from either group that will leave me feeling ok if I try to tell them about quitting again. I know what they’ll say because we’ve already had this conversation.
My mom will be all, thank God you’re quitting that evil poison, which irks me because A. for most people it isn’t a life ruining substance, and B. I’m not her father. I am not my best self when I drink but I’m not a child abuser.
The rest of my people will be all, come ON, you’re totally overreacting, you’re fine. And I am fine when I drink with them at a restaurant. But I am not fine when I drink alone.
And here is the thing. I don’t really care what they think. I am fiercely independent. But also... I’m sad that there’s no one IRL who will just *get it.*
I need to keep trying A.A. meetings but it’s so hard to find someone to really connect with. But I really feel like I need the support of others in this tribe.