bobdrop

Guess I was feeling too good. Hit some problems at home and felt my heart racing and had a couple of shots to calm down. Don't feel my heart racing anymore, but have started back in on the vodka. Wish I could be sharing this with my wife of 34 years, but we tend to avoid talking about uncomfortable topics. Hell, I'll just say it. We're both stubborn as hell and when we get to a disagreement we just vow not to talk about it anymore. Has led to a lot of quiet nights.

I imagine that I'll wake up tomorrow and move on, just like always. Probably start another week or month without drinking and then rationalize that I've made progress. This site has made me see things differently. I lost tonight, but from what I've read, I can come back again tomorrow with a new vigor.

I don't even hate myself. I think that's important. This site has made me realize my frailties. I screwed up tonight, but I'm trying to look at the big picture. I go back to my cardiologist in 10 days. He won't lie to me. I will find out how bad it it is, or how much better it is. I don't know.

I guess at the heart of it is, my wife doesn't even notice. I've never been a violent or obnoxious drunk. My problem is it has caused cardiomyopathy. She knows this but doesn't seem to care. It's killing me after 34 years. I'm not perfect, but I could hope for some support instead of me thinking she's just waiting for me to be gone.