lmrs,
I see the light bulb just went off!!! Its no longer about protecting and Helping our addict, it is about saving ourselves. Our addicts consume our every waking moments trying to fix them, until we realize, they don't want to be fixed. We don't care for ourselves and then we become the train wreck seeking out support forums. (whats up with that)??
Like honeypig said we do things to protect ourselves. When she is drunk, you don't need to witness it, go to a park, or get ice cream or a relatives house. When she is drunk and passes out on the floor, leave her. She doesn't need a blanket or pillow or to be walked to bed. If she is throwing up, don't hold her head or cushion her at all. Let her consequences fall as they may. To hung over or drunk to work or go out, don't make excuses for her, let her own it.
I would highly recommend an alanon meeting or open aa meetings. These people understand and they are face to face. Once you stop lecturing and fighting with her, (like you have given up,) she might change her ways. Obviously it hasn't been working with what you have been doing, so try something different. She won't understand why/how you are changing.
I understand your concern about your daughters love for her mom. Just be patient, If you continue to live the way you are living, your daughter will recognize that something is up. My 2 daughters knew at a very young age that there Dad was an addict. We discussed it openly, as their grandfather was, but he joined AA and remained sober. I remember when my dd 18 asked me why "Dad's lighter smelled like weed" I of course played dumb, (originally).... ugh!! Over time your daughter will recognize that mom will disappoint her "again". You just need to be there and love and support her. You hope to stay as a "family" but its better to have one sane parent and a child, family, then 2 crazy parents and a child, family.
Your wifes disease is a one man show. She knows what she needs to do, as I am sure she has Dr. Googled it. Let her take the initiative to reach out to sober people, rehab or aa. She is an adult and needs to be treated like it. You need to seek therapy for yourself and find out why you have enabled her for so long. We all have to own 50% of marriage, how did we contribute to the disfunction.
I also recommend going over to the new to recovery forum and alcoholic forum here and read how they suffer. Its is not easy to become sober, as it is about growing up, sobering up and working a program, it takes years to figure it out. Not drinking is only the icing on the cake, as they are still nothing but a dry drunk, nothing changed. Keep reading my friend, you are asking some great questions!!