Judgment, both of self and others, is a major drinking trigger for me.
And I have avoided people my entire life simply to avoid judgement and conflict rather than risk asking for help.
In fact, I've damaged my life through this mode of living, skirting and fleeing from any negative judgment instead of standing up to it, facing it, and, in many instances saying the needed word "no" this isn't right and I'm not accepting what isn't right for me. Can we try something else instead? Negotiating and cooperating aren't skills I have much practice using. 'All or nothing' thinking is a b**ch. It keeps someone like me who needs help from asking for it.
My thinking was: if you're going to judge me, I'd rather not ask for your help. And of course you're going to judge me, I'm unworthy of anything but negative judgement. You'll find (as I find) I'm always doing or saying something wrong.
And if I judge YOU a certain way, I won't give you the benefit of the doubt. I project onto you my own unworthiness. Ulgh. Not a great way to go through life.
In fact, it's an outrageous way to live! How can a person accomplish anything worthwhile if they're afraid of judgment and the humility to accept it, or the strength to reject that which isn't true?!
This coping mechanism, running from judgment, wasn't helping me recover. And it was keeping me from asking for help. I needed a different way of looking at people and their judgments and also a different way of looking at myself and my own judgments.
I think this is the core work of recovering one's self-esteem. And self-esteem, self-love is the core of recovery.