Thanks for the words. It helps to know im not alone even if i am kind of. I just made an appointment with a counsellor to try get to the root of things. In answer to your question yes I want to stop. I think because I don't do it all the time I can cope with the negative feelings after. But now it has involved my precious boys I know it can never happen again. I'm all they have , which i guess is part of my issues, so much pressureto be perfect sometimes I think I just need to prove to myself that I'm still a messed up lonely child. God I wish my appointment was today. You sound as thoughyou're having a really awful time too perplexed. Sorry I can't remeber all the names my head is a bit fuzzy but thanks so much I appreciate it.