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Old 09-28-2005, 12:15 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Late stage optimist
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Auburn, WA
Posts: 304
Originally Posted by rinaezz
Fuster, I would change myself for him...I just need to know how because I honestly don't know.

Still I am certain that I would change myself if this is what it takes to make him well! Do you know the way to this?
Start changing by looking at the statement above.

You stated you would change yourself if that is what it takes to change him. This is about as logical as someone saying they would walk to work if it would make it rain less. Walking is good for you regardless of the weather. And walking has nothing to do with whether it rains. Same with your changing, regardless of whether husband changes. How about if I said that I would do 500 pushups every day if your husband did 500 situps every day? Your answer is probably that he loves you, not me, and that love is going to make him see what he needs to do.

Wrong. Addicts love and feel like everyone else. But their master is their addiction, not their loved ones. Yes, they will commit acts of love, and feel remorseful when they use drugs and make their family or friends upset. However, you have to understand that addiction is a disease, and it is a lifelong problem that is managed daily by a recovery program that the person uses in their daily living. They have to possess a resolve to quit. Without real change within themselves, starting with their OWN motivation (not because you don't like it or because you are depressed, etc.), they will say and do things that make it look like they are done with their drug of choice, but they likely will only have temporary abstinence. So too the family is sick and they have to come to realize this and start to change how they deal with the addict.

There are threads and boards on this site you can learn from if you take the time to study what others have said. The Al Anon and the Nar Anon boards are where you need to start. Change is a lifelong process, why not start now? I can try to talk to you about why you need to do this or that, but really all I have tried to illustrate here is that it is illogical the way you think about expecting your addict husband to change because you love him or because you say or do something that you think will "motivate" him to change. It sounds nice, and what I and others suggest may seem repugnant to the concept of family and love, etc. , but it really is the starting point to improving your relationship with first yourself, second with your family.

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