mielz

Hi everyone. So I had five great and grateful years of soberity. Thinking I would never touch that stuff again. It flowed like water in my house and I had no problem with it. I was released of the demon I thought forever. I attended AA and I would hear stories of those with 20+ years relapsing and I thought it would never be me. Last October I got married, and I was so happy we moved into our first home and right away things seemed off this man I knew for 9 years was like a stranger too me all of a sudden. We left for our honeymoon in December and on January 2 /2017 I took my first drink. We had champagne in the room and we looked at each other and I said I'm happy now it'll be ok. Well it wasn't ok we had made vows to not get physical until after marriage and yet now marriage came and I couldn't get him too touch me and here we where in Hawaii and he wanted too watch tv and suck his fingers. I found myself in the gift shop buying booze with cash so he wouldn't find out then going to the bathroom and drinking it. We got back home and then I drank again it became once a month , once every three weeks once every two weeks . Then it started happening where it effected my job and my friends and my family again last Thursday my grandma passed away and as we where hosting the wake at our house getting it ready I had drank so much of my dads booze so fast I blacked out. Now I sit here lost again , terrified and honestly is it possible too get clean again? Everytime after I was like no not again I promise. My husband is still with me and tries too help but almost one year and still no physical contact. I feel like I lost myself my identity and I raltionalized drinking.