I am just so exhausted. Yesterday was really rough. This afternoon, I wrote the following letter that I originally intended to send to my husband's mother. On second thought, I don't want to talk to her. She's as unreasonable and irrational as my husband as well as just as stubborn. Instead, I might give it to my husband and tell him that I originally wrote it for her but I really need him to listen. Here goes:
I am at my wits end and at the end of the rope with M-----’s eating disorder and food addiction and am writing this letter to ask for your support of him in recovery from this very dire problem. As with any addict, I am coming to terms with the “three Cs” with M-----: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. That being said, I will not enable it and do not condone it.
The problem reached its nadir yesterday after the Mass General doctors confirmed what I suspected in my emailed question to them, copied here:
Is it possible that the liver mass that Dr. Qadan could not chip August 21st had grown since the June 30th MRI and could that growth be related to what I suspect to be his metabolic syndrome? He was eating significantly more beef lately and late night snacking, so much so that he has put on weight in the past few weeks prior to the August 21st surgery. (I consider eating within a few hours of bedtime to be “late night.”)
They explained to M----- that the data shows, just like the data shows that obesity and poor diet leads to cancer, that a high quality (primarily plant based, low in the carcinogenic meats [red meat, processed meat], etc.) diet will “increase his chances of survival.” I am enclosing the NCCN guidelines excerpt on this. The NCCN guidelines is the bible of oncology.
On the way home from the appointment, when discussing our upcoming anniversary weekend and when M----- mentioned going to the ---------- for brunch, I asked with caution (not condemnation) in my voice whether we would be doing that this year. As I associate buffets with gorging on bad food, and considering how his doctors were just earlier trying to encourage him to increase his chances of survival literally an hour earlier, I thought maybe it would not be such a great idea to go this year. This was also a concern because he will be starting chemo right after that weekend and it is important, as stressed by both his local oncologist and his Mass General oncologist, to try as much as possible to get into the best health/shape possible to withstand the chemo.
However, apparently, I hit a nerve in M----- and it became a big, deep, painful discussion in which I was told that I am sucking the life out of him and depriving him of desire to live. I ended up explaining my intentions, reiterating what the doctors had just said; implored him to stay alive, and said that I can’t imagine life without him and that I won’t accept him leaving this earth so soon.
I ended the day yesterday promising to stop what he feels is “nagging” and I will be doing my best to be as silent as humanly possible. I am not sure how possible it will be as it is excruciatingly painful to watch.
Sadly, none of this seems to have sunk in as the addiction is so strong and overwhelming. I say this because after eating a fairly large dinner of a fried appetizer and high fat entrée, M----- ate 13 servings of caramel rice cakes before bed. The total sugar (52 grams) in that was twice the daily amount a sugar-conscious person needs to limit themselves (25 grams, ideally 20 grams) to lower blood glucose.
When he was initially diagnosed with congestive heart failure and diabetes, his diet was amazingly healthy. I was so full of hope and there was light at the end of the tunnel. It was bright.
However, over time, the “once in a while” cup of 11 gram sugar ice cream or one bar of high quality dark chocolate has now become an entire bag of 11-13 serving snacks practically every single night. It got to this stage immediately following his A1C test of a few weeks ago which was at the borderline within the “pre-diabetic” range (his was 6.3, diabetes is 6.5 and higher), as if a good A1C was license to slip back towards old habits. This was very alarming to witness, considering everything else he is facing with his health, particularly the liver mass growth.
If M----- continues this way, he will ensure an early death by cancer. He has told me that he “would rather die than eat healthy” and I’m afraid that he is causing a self-fulfilling prophecy. The light at the end of the tunnel is not so bright anymore.
I get the sense that my efforts to help him are being somewhat undermined, like a drug addict’s friend who might supply the addict his drug of choice, or might encourage the drug use of the addict. If we want M----- to live greater than 5 more years, recurrence free, we cannot be enablers to this addiction. I appreciate all your support in this effort.
-----
I called my aunt this afternoon, bawling about all this. I have spent so much of my life surrounded by people I love slowly killing themselves with addiction and I'm so sick of it, I said. If anyone understands, it's her (this is my aunt with a son [my cuz] who has nearly died a number of times in accidents, attempted suicide, and finally got sober a couple of years ago after going to Caron (in Florida)). It felt good to vent but now I'm just so drained. I don't see the light anymore.