tangledknot

Hey there, folks. I recently admitted to myself that I have a drinking problem and that it's consistently worsening. I'm only 27 and I'm terrified that if I don't get a handle on things now, I will make problems for myself that are not easy to fix.

I feel like my future can go one of two ways...quit drinking: great life with goals accomplished. Keep drinking: end up a burnout with a broken body and a long list of regrets.

I've known deep down that I've had a problem with alcohol for many years now. Honestly, I've been making terrible decisions while drinking since early high school. I've been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, arrested for disorderly conduct and spent the night in the "drunk tank," gotten in physical fights with the people close to me, missed work, missed class, cheated on past lovers, stolen from people, chipped a tooth, gotten a black eye, fallen asleep in random places, been WAY too close to getting a DUI, and many other stupid/irresponsible/dangerous things, solely because I can't control my drinking.

I've been in denial about how alcohol is threatening to destroy me...how it already has destroyed so many opportunities in my life. My relationship ended recently and I became homeless. The bottle always fueled our arguments. I can't help but wonder whether or not we would still be together if we were both sober, or at least not heavy drinkers.

The day after my ex essentially forced me to move out of our place, I lost my job because I was pounding whiskey the night before a 7 a.m. shift and came in almost an hour late. I had already been late at least 10-15 times, mostly because of being hungover and sleeping through alarms.

I never wanted to use the word "alcoholic" to describe myself. It seems like a term of doom and it makes me feel like a failure. But the fact of the matter is that, at 27, it's no longer a college phase and it's definitely not cute to be pre-gaming before every social occasion anymore.

I drink BEFORE I go to the bar, after I get home from the bar, and sometimes the morning after if I have no obligations. I don't know if I can use explicatives here, so I'll just say that I'm a full-blown "B word" when I'm tanked. My personality changes and I become either an emotional wreck ugly crying over my daddy issues (which is sadly my more desirable drunk persona) or an angry monster that will verbally obliterate you for little to no reason.

I've also developed tremors that last for at least a day after the more noteworthy binges. I thought I wasn't an alcoholic. That I was too young, too smart, too talented, too beautiful, too social, and too functional to be an alcoholic. Then I sat down, evaluated myself from an outsiders perspective, and realized that I'm a total mess. I rely on alcohol for stress relief. It makes me forget and numbs my strong emotions so I don't have to feel what it's like to be a full human being. Drinking has replaced most of my other hobbies, most of the time.

I thought I wasn't an alcoholic, until I tried to quit. That was 3 weeks ago. So far, I have made it 4 consecutive days without drinking anything. I even made it a full week without getting black out drunk. Then, I convinced myself (yet again) that I was in control, so I spent the past weekend binging at a music festival. Although nothing awful happened and I generally had an awesome time, I drank myself silly and I feel really disappointed. I've been ultra hungover all day and haven't done anything at all--one of the main things that makes me crazy about my drinking habits.

I really can't do this on my own. I think this thing has a much bigger hold on me than I realized. I can't remember the last time I went a week without drinking. I'm honestly very scared. I'm unsure of how to go about quitting now because I keep messing up.

I'm incredibly clueless...no one in my family drinks and heavy drinking is normalized in my friend group. Addiction is a common thread in my family, but all of the alcoholics are dead now (go figure, right?). Any tips, stories, resources or simply kind words that you can offer would mean a lot to me. I know I'm the only one who can take the initiative to stop drinking, but willpower alone has left me stumped. Much love to everyone here and I appreciate you taking the time to read my story