Florence

It's been about a year since I posted here. Since then I have a new job, and my youngest child DD6 (who I was pregnant with when I found SR) started school. Life is good BUT I've been really bummed out for a few months, a mixture of self-pity and overwork. I have back problems that are getting me down, I'm trying to lose weight to better manage the back problems, and I'm tired. Don't get me wrong, all of this is manageable and I'm managing it, but deliberate health management stuff is an emotional drag. I'm eating better and trying to sleep more, practicing self-care, learning my new job, leaning on my support network.

But lately I've been dreaming (literally) of my XAH, back when we first got together and life was pretty good. Our relationship was good for awhile in the early days -- until it wasn't, and then it was my worst nightmare. We were high school sweethearts and have over twenty years of history together, a mixed bag of youthful memories and near the end, me crumbling under the weight of being married to and emotionally codependent for an addict while pregnant with DD6 and caring for my son from a previous relationship. I'm literally dreaming about him on a regular basis, this abusive XAH of mine, and my brain is romanticizing our past together. I dream about our early heady romance and then I wake up grumpy and irritated that this is where my dreams are going, making me miss my XAH. All the while I'm sleeping next to my new boyfriend and partner, a sweet and supportive man who loves me and my children in ways my XAH is and was incapable of. It makes me feel guilty and weird -- why is my brain betraying me?

Yesterday, I went out and picked up my DD6 from her weekend visitation with her dad. He is still living at his parents' house and has been unemployed for 5+ years, no changes at all in his recovery or lack thereof. The crazy goes on without me. He has 100% supervised visitations with DD6 and is not allowed to drive her anywhere, so I do the pickups and drop-offs. While I was there, he told me I look nice, made a nice observation about a piece of jewelry I was wearing, and was friendly and genuine.

This complimentary interaction really bothered me. It was nice and it was innocent, but it also made me so sad. I loved this man and our relationship was wrecked by addiction. I doubt his ability to return to the workforce -- he's turning forty next year and has ruined his health and his life. But we loved each other once and I still sympathize with all he's lost to addiction. And maybe what I've lost to his addiction too.

I miss...him? I actually don't know him -- not anymore and maybe never, he told me so many lies -- so maybe I am missing something else entirely. I have struggled with still feeling love and attraction for my XAH over time, and still feeling waves of heartbreak when I see him with DD6 (he's a good dad, with his parents' help, despite his troubles) and when he's kind to me. And I'm still physically attracted to him. Like, a lot.

So the long and short of it, my XAH still makes my heart flutter, even after all this time, even with all the recovery, heartbreak, abuse, addiction, abandonment, and adultery. Even with distance, divorce, and a new relationship.

I'll never act on these feelings, but they're there.