How are you doing Gilmer?
Courage I think sometimes our auto-shutdown is a self-preservation thing.
I hope you are taking care of you. Any way to spread some of the work load around to be less overwhelmed?
I know some of us thrive in the pressure cooker lifestyle, but it's a fine line between getting it done and getting over cooked, ahhaha.
I don't know if there was much to admire in my actions or decisions. I feel the pressure cooker for sure and it is wiping me out. I don't know what to do about any onslaught- I just kind of take it as it comes. I had a chance at two meetings last night and tonight- I'm just done by day's end.
I went to church today, with my little. While it was no battery recharge, it was a spiritual reconnection I really needed. Some things I really needed to hear, other things kind of, well, struck a wrong note in me.
The pastor spoke of blessings and prayers, and urged us to join a prayer walk to bless the city and learn to love our city. He said, not many of us do, it is a rough city to live in.
You know, I feel a lot of negative feelings, particularly towards things like this. And things that have happened recently, like my character being called into question or offered useless, unsolicited advice.. or being used.
I feel a lot of cynicism towards people "in the program" and I'll use that very broadly. This is a small city with a big city attitude.
Where I live, this entire province has a huge drug and alcohol problem. This city I live in, yeah, it's rough around the edges, very much so, and sick in its heart, but there are people, so, so many people who are giving compassionate care to those who are struggling with mental health and addiction, and it's widespread across the province. We are modest in numbers though, so our attitudes and trends- don't seem to catch on much to our bigger neighbours across the country.
I know, I know.. most of us have "fake it til you make it" to get to any kind of spiritual connection to our higher power, the world around us, and ourselves. And maybe this is true for the congregation I sat on today.
Took me awhile to notice that the vast majority of people sitting amongst me where mostly white.
I am really truly nit picking at things, but when they start piling up it gets harder to ignore. I know these things.. get hashed out at meetings and with sponsors, the steps and the big book.
The cynicism is pretty thick, the apathy is heavy with the exhaustion, the depression is hard to shake with what sits over my head. I've kind of lost faith in humanity (in a small scale). People have a reeeeally hard time practicing principles before personality in the programs here. My absence will be noted as it is with everyone else- and this makes me not want to go or participate. I've heard this among many, I know we are not special. I know how much gossip happens in our fellowships and it bothers me to no end.
Whatever. I have a boulder I am pushing up hill. I am giving myself a goal to make like, one friend. I just, don't naturally trust people- ESPECIALLY women.
I am going through the motions til I get a time and place to throw myself back in the program. I am tired of being kicked like a dog. I don't have much put myself out there left right now. And all this feels super shameful to write out.
I just trust it will get better... I walk around blessing and thanking everything and just pray constantly. I've got what I need. I can hold on through the rest.
I was told by a wise woman once, if we do the best today with what I have, tomorrow will take care of itself. So, trusting the process and doing the next right thing, it's what I got left.
I surprise myself with the poise I manage to pull out sometimes dealing with the crap slung my way.
Mostly my head is a mess. Whatever.
I am not dealing with a hurricane, so this is a head of a lot of ladeeda in my mind.
the next 4 months will be the test.