Advice please, so sick of hurting
Hi everyone, I'd really appreciate any advice anyone could give me on my current situation as I'm really hurt and confused.
Three weeks ago my boyfriend of 9 months left me, it was a horrible split with things getting physical and really awful things being said and it's these things that I can't get out of my mind.
We met up a year ago and became friends again, (we'd known one another 20 years ago and had a bit of a fling at the time and then I moved away). After a short while he started to want more but despite being attracted to him I didn't want another addict in my life romantically. He had been on 90ml of methadone a day for the last 5 years plus drinking daily and sleeping tablets, benzo's, weed etc.
He reacted by swearing he'd start cutting the methadone and telling me they once he got down to 40ml he'd go into rehab, sort himself out, because he wanted a life with me. I didn't believe him but surprisingly he stayed true to his word and immediate went to the clinic and started dropping. His whole family were amazed as his ex had been asking him for years to drop and he'd never do it. I was stupidly flattered and gradually let my guard down and let him in.
He dropped monthly and each time he did he'd be in constant pain, moody and increasingly distant for 2 weeks only for it to level out for a week or 2 before the whole cycle started again. I found the mood swings and emotional distance really difficult but he kept assuring me that it was nothing wrong between us but the effects of the withdrawal, he would ask me not to give up on him as we were good together and tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was etc
Fast forward 5 months and he started to pick fault in my appearance, my weight, my makeup, my hair but if I retorted he would say I was being sensitive and couldn't take a joke.
Around this time he moved out of his sisters house where he'd lived with her and her family for 5 years and into his own place. Things started to go down hill quickly, he was moody, distant, cold most of the time but would punctuate this behaviour with just enough good times to keep me hanging in there.
The contact between us became less and less but he still insisted it was not down to anything being wrong between us but him struggling with reducing his methadone. Around this time I started to find the odd empty drug baggie around his house, unsaved numbers would call in the middle of the night and "friends" if never heard of would be around whenever I wasn't there. His drinking increased and sometimes his eyes wouldn't look right but it wasn't all the time.
It all came to a head when he forgot my birthday despite us having talked about it for a couple of weeks. He claimed he didn't forget it that he was waiting for me to get in touch first before he said anything. He said he didn't have enough money to get me a card and he'd sort something out when he could. I said there was no point after the event and he accused me of making life really hard for him with my demands and said I was trying to get him in trouble by making him feel so guilty that he'd have to go out and steal a card!?! I kid you not.
A few days later he screamed at me that he didn't want me, didn't love me and that I was a physics mess who'd let herself go. He liked the me he knew 20 years ago who was slimmer.
It turns out that he told his brother in law months ago that he didn't like big girls (I'm not that big) and didn't fancy me but thought I was a good person and he would try and get me to lose weight and see how he felt about me then!!! I am beyond hurt because our sex life was good and he would tell me I was beautiful and ask me to stick by him and to go from that to "I never found you attractive, you're a mess" had me so confused.
I'm fairly sure that he started using something again around the time he move but can't be certain. Does methadone withdrawal make people so up and down or is more going on here?
Sorry for such a long post but am so confused and feel so fat and unattractive right now. I can't get this stuff out of my head, would dearly like some clarity. Many thanks