The reason why you do this is because you are an alcoholic. There is no logic involved. But, you can change that.
I think to stop drinking and recover there are two things. You have to make a commitment to avoid alcohol. And, you have to make some lifestyle changes to support your recovery. Stopping drinking on its own is usually not enough to lead to long term recovery.
You will find lots of support and information here, so I hope you continue to read and post.