Hi Soapybubbles,
I have pulled out some quotes from what you have written because I have a similar story, and I think a lot of people on this forum have similar stories.
This guy lies. He lies because he is an addict lying to himself. I don't care what the reason is for lying: shame, wanting to impress a sober person, etc... it's still lying. Lying is a deal breaker in a relationship because it is about breaking trust. To be with someone you don't trust, even as a friend, is quite dangerous emotionally. It can also become dangerous in other ways too (as I found out with my STBAXH).
I love/have loved my STBAXH. I don't feel as if I have any choice but to step away from him, no matter how cruel he thinks I am for it, even if stepping away means that he might die (he might die even with me around anyway, I have no control over it.) I also did not think I was co-dependent. I have a pretty stable family. I do, however, think that over time, in my relationship, I become extremely socially isolated. I was made-over into a co-dependent because of having a tendency towards empathy, and also because I was in a relationship with an addict (addiction is an extremely selfish disease/condition).
So I think the best thing you can do for you and for him, is to step away from him and let him figure himself out. If you stay, and I know you love him and want to stay, you will end up making yourself miserable and making him miserable too.
Your friend is correct. Step away. Let him heal. People change dramatically when they go into recovery and you might not even like the person he becomes -- he will be someone else. The reason I say that is because right now, he is not himself. You don't know who he really is. You might think you do, but no, you don't. I hate to say that. I also thought I knew my husband. I don't. In the end, his lying became so pathological, that I'm sure he cheated on me... and the stress of his drug habit was so severe that even if he did cheat on me, that's not even the thing that bothers me most! If that sounds messed-up, it is because it is. You need to love yourself enough to want more than this man. Find joy in your life. You need your partner to journey with you. Right now, your addict has to walk a path that only he can walk alone. He has to be the hero of his own story. So do you.
Also, please do not wait for him. He could take years to heal. He might get into recovery, be sober for a while, relapse, be sober for a while, relapse, over and over. If you are not entangled in that mess yet, I BEG YOU to please stay out of it. I hope I don't sound harsh. This is what I wish someone had told me years ago before I got my heart broken.
Originally Posted by
soapybubbles2 
He began to show signs of behavior that was really upsetting (lying, inability to get motivated...I realized during most periods of success activity in his life, he was using heroin). I started pulling away. My love for him is very deep and real, but I need stability.
I continued to try to make it work because walking away from him was hard. I really love him.
It turned out he'd been lying to me that whole week about trying to get clean and last weekend, he bought heroin, probably cut with Fentanyl, and ended up overdosing in my bathroom while a mutual friend was over.
Since it happened, he's been staying with his parents, going to NA meetings, taking care of himself, but continually insisting he is doing 'better' and okay, with no cravings, which I know is not true. I also found out he's lied about more things, weird, small things, like telling me he'd had a conversation with a mutual friend when it turned out he hadn't responded to that friend's text messages. I confronted him about it. He admitted he is incredibly ashamed, and is lying so that I think he's doing better and functioning normally. Of course he feels miserable and has cravings...He just wants to impress ME.
I am clearly, without realizing it, some kind of enabler for him. We are broken up, but the problem is, I genuinely love him and it is very hard to step away from him. We keep texting and talking and our banter is really sweet. I fear my presence in his life is going to be the only thing pushing him toward finding his own health and truth, which I think is dangerous. A friend told me if I really love him, I will leave him be so he can get better and heal in a real way, not just as a performance for me.
How do you support someone who is relying on your support in such an unrealistic way? I don't know what to do. Any advice or comfort would be appreciated.