Hate you are dealing with this but so glad you are reaching out for support.
For me wha I learned was what I thought was love, a great guy, a meaningful relationship, etc was my own perception. Clouded by not facing the reality of life and my now ex AH's true person.
He was & still is a person deep in the throws of Alcoholism & addiction. The relationship we had was a way to get his needs met. The need to have a family because it made him look like a great guy , the need for him to be financially taken care of without having to work full time, the need for him to have a clean house & mostly someone to blame for all his problems
As I worked on being a healthier person thru alanon, reading literature & journaling to my HP, I learned that this relationship was not as wonderful as I once thought it was - it was actually toxic & I deserved better.
Please keep reaching out for support -
Wishing you the best