soapybubbles2

Posting in one of these forums is new to me. I am completely drug-free and the idea of heavy drugs makes me feel sick, so I am a little nervous. Thank you, forum + people in it, for being such a good resource. This story is long.

A few months ago I started dating someone who'd been a friend of mine over the years. I knew he'd suffered from heroin/opiate addiction for nearly 10 years. He was currently on Suboxone. He began to show signs of behavior that was really upsetting (lying, inability to get motivated...I realized during most periods of success activity in his life, he was using heroin). I started pulling away. My love for him is very deep and real, but I need stability. He always asked if he could try to be 'better,' but I really just wanted him to take care of myself, because again, this is someone I've known for awhile and care for deeply.

I continued to try to make it work because walking away from him was hard. I really love him. One day, he revealed to me he was no longer taking Suboxone and needed to detox. He sprang it on me after telling me he was considering quitting it. It was like, surprise, I'm actually already going through withdrawal, sorry. He told me he was on 1.5mg at that point, tapering w/ the help of a doctor, but I can't be 100% sure. I let him ride out his withdrawals at my place. I had no experience with this and just tried to take care of him with "natural" methods the best I could. I feel so naive. I later found out the Suboxone was a secret he kept from his family. When they found out, they were furious. They thought he was free of opiates.

It turned out he'd been lying to me that whole week about trying to get clean and last weekend, he bought heroin, probably cut with Fentanyl, and ended up overdosing in my bathroom while a mutual friend was over. We luckily found him and my friend was able to perform CPR until the paramedics came with Narcan. It was terrifying and I felt heartbroken, as if he'd just decided to quit Suboxone so he could get high again. When he was 'revived,' he told me he was using because he knew I was going to end the relationship, but I know that is not true. I don't blame myself.

Since it happened, he's been staying with his parents, going to NA meetings, taking care of himself, but continually insisting he is doing 'better' and okay, with no cravings, which I know is not true. I also found out he's lied about more things, weird, small things, like telling me he'd had a conversation with a mutual friend when it turned out he hadn't responded to that friend's text messages. I confronted him about it. He admitted he is incredibly ashamed, and is lying so that I think he's doing better and functioning normally. Of course he feels miserable and has cravings...He just wants to impress ME.

I am clearly, without realizing it, some kind of enabler for him. We are broken up, but the problem is, I genuinely love him and it is very hard to step away from him. We keep texting and talking and our banter is really sweet. I fear my presence in his life is going to be the only thing pushing him toward finding his own health and truth, which I think is dangerous. A friend told me if I really love him, I will leave him be so he can get better and heal in a real way, not just as a performance for me.

I don't feel codependent. I've been through a lot in my life but have a good support system. This situation has made me feel lonely and sad and lost. I genuinely miss him and disengaging is really heartbreaking. I want to support him, and I also still fantasize about getting back together in the future, which makes me feel ashamed because it's so unhealthy. But as angry as I am at him, my care and love for him is unwavering.

How do you support someone who is relying on your support in such an unrealistic way? I don't know what to do. Any advice or comfort would be appreciated.