There's no "rule" so to speak other than the one that's been pretty consistent with life all along.... We tend to reap what we sow -- said another way.... What we put out into the universe, we get back.
When I was "looking to date" what was really happening was me, seeking another person, to fulfill me / make me feel whole / entertain me / provide emotional support / help me from feeling lonely / etc etc etc. In other words, I wanted to own someone so that they could benefit me. Pretty selfish, but I know most of us are guilty of the same thing. With those motives, my "relationships" in sobriety were just like the ones I had in the disease - painful, distressing, lacking in open communication, and frustrating.
I think maybe a good ol-fashioned selfish relationship that damn near kills us - again - can be a good thing though. lol. For me it was a big motivator to really start taking recovery sincerely. Merely not drinking but not changing wasn't working....... and the pain of 2 crappy relationships helped teach me.