Kdz what jumped out at me was "paralyzed by fear". Yes that is how I and I suspect many others felt.
All I can really say is that I'd had enough. I was getting sicker and sicker. I knew I had to do something and that thing for me was to get my head on the pillow sober that night no matter what. Then the next night and the next etc etc. Nothing magic just that one simple non negotiable rule.
This site is amazing and I'm thrilled you've found us. Try checking out the class of August 2017 and the 24 hour thread as a great start.
Loads of great supportive kind people.
Above all take care and look after yourself during the tough early days. You can do it!