Welcome Kdz - great to have you with us.
I was helped tremendously by talking things over here - with people who really understood where I'd been, & what I was going through. I drank 30 yrs. You can imagine the state I was in before I quit.
I'm so glad you are taking a hard look at what alcohol has done to your life, & how it's likely to affect your future. I was frozen too - and doing reckless, ridiculous things. As you said, getting sober and clearheaded is the only way for us. You can do this.