I knew I was dancing with the devil for many years. At least 10. Luckily, I believe God kept me from drinking daily through several situations and life changes which were occurring WHILE I was at my worst my drinking. Its too hard to explain but my "nightly bottle of wine" habit only lasted maybe 5 months, and then due to a job change, I could only sometimes drink once or twice a week. But I was drinking too much every time I drank. This went on for six years. Sometimes I would, again, due to my job, drink every other month. Once I had a six month break from drinking.
So God (or I did, subconciously) did what he/she could to keep my body from getting too damaged over the past 10 years. I did have some health problems in the end that were CLEARLY related to my drinking (really messed up digestive tract, and at one time I had tremors, etc)... But those are already, 3 months into sober living, completely gone.
I am pooping GREAT! Never was I happier to see healthy pooping action in my life
Anyway, the last straw was 3 months or so ago when I blacked out and slapped several people in the face, one of whom I dont know very well at all. (amazingly shameful behavior... And I am a 43-year-old woman! I never slapped anyone, not even in my drama filled 20's!).
I had also begun to regularly hurt myself from accidental things while drinking. This last year I literally hurt myself every single time: cuts, bruises, burns, etc.
But the shame and violence of that blackout was the final straw. The fear. The pain. IT NEEDED TO END.
Before that time though I was REGULARLY suicidal during my hangovers.
That last night that I blacked out I apparently was saying over and over "I want to die. Please God let me die." Over and over.