'But deep inside I knew something wasn't right. But I was able to push those thoughts away and dismiss them quickly, with the help of another toke. It's hard to accept that I tricked myself intentionally to protect my habit, to stay in my bubble of "almost reality".'
Well, you seem to be thinking pretty clearly to me. I think a lot of self analysis is a good thing to do early on. You sound very intelligent with a good head on your shoulders.
That AV is a nasty thing. It spins a web of lies just to continue with the substance abuse. But once it is recognized, it can be fought.