Liz....I can share my thought on this if that is what you want. (I am not totally sure what you are asking us).....
I think that amy might be on to something, in one sense...I suspect, that deep down...way down, where you don't really directly talk about...because you may be even scared to fully admit it to yourself...your current guy may not be meeting some essential needs that you have. I get the thing about how attractive he is and how he fit certain things that you find domestically desirable....(wanted to settle and "nest", etc...). He is financially stable and successful in his field-he is settled and my represent a certain amount of safety and security...and he doesn't abuse you,
etc...and, I know that means something to you. And, I think that is fine as far as it goes.....(I am not aiming to criticize or judge)...
But, as I see it, that may not be enough for you. As I recall...you bonded with him and moved in with him fairly soon after your split with your EX. This, obviously happened during the initial attraction period...when the attractive things loom big. It takes a couple of years to get to know the deeper layers of another person---beyond the initial white hot attraction, that is...lol....
You have, between the lines, indicated some ambivalence about your comfort with the current guy....and, seem to always come to the conclusion that it is something about you....and, that you just need to try harder to "adjust" to him...
I am suggesting that it may not be you....and, it may not be him....It may be that the two of you are not as completely compatible as you thought at first....
I suspect that this other fellow may look so attractive to you because his attention is addressing something that you are missing. I don't think that when someone is satisfied in their relationship, that they are so susceptible to the fruits of another....Yes, it may be flattering, but it is not something that nags at the insides and keeps one up at night (or writing on a forum...lol)...
And, I do agree with you, that I can see the foreshadowing of difficulty when the daughter gets to the preteen/teen years....and the issues may linger for years to come.....That, alone, is a lot of pressure in a solid rock relationship...and can deep six one that may have some rocky underpinnings....
This other guy.....I will be very candid with you, Liz...I can hear the hiss of rattlers in the background. You may not be able to hear that, because the onslaught of the feel good hormones can make any one of us unable to be critically objective. I think that he is treading on your boundaries...trying to invade your space. he shouldn't need you to tell him to back off (even if you should), because he should respect your current commitment. He is thinking of his own needs at the expense of you. In my opinion, that is a red flag. He hasn't lived with you and he doesn't know what that reality would be...he has worked with you. Those are two different things. He seems to know just the flattering things to say that cause you to reach your right buttons...
When a person has emotional needs that are not being met....that stuff is as powerful as heroine. You know the surface of him...and, vice versa....
the current guy may not be the one for you...but, there is no evidence that the long distance guy is either....(I realize that that possibility may scare the wee willies out of you)....But, I think that it is, at least, something to consider.....
Gosh, you aren't even with him...and you are feeling distressed....
I want to say that you need to be true to yourself. It is o.k. if you don't settle for either one of them....Being honest with your self...deep down...because these things don't go away if you just sweep them under the rug....
lol....I realize that I will be the one lone voice, here, who is not so convinced that your current relationship is rock solid....but, I feel that I should be honest with you as to how I see it, if I am sharing my thoughts with you.....
I am glad that you came here and laid the cards on the table. That is a vulnerable thing to do...and takes some bravery.
Liz these are my candid thoughts based on what you have described here, and in the past.....
I submit them for you consideration....