lizatola

I'll try to make this brief(haha, probably not!).
My bf is a good guy. Not to bore with details but he's the kind of guy who actually makes an effort, who knows it's important for us to have time alone and make our relationship a priority despite the fact that we have his 2 school aged kids and my son going off to college, etc.

My point being: the man is a good guy albeit sometimes we butt heads because we're both controlling and can be bossy pains in the neck.

I love him. I am VERY attracted to him after 2.5 years together and I enjoy his company. He's thoughtful, kind, has helped me start my career and supported me no matter what setback I've experienced along the way.

Now, for the ' please no flames' part....

I have an old friend, whom I worked with 20 plus years ago who keeps reaching out to me every few months, to re-engage and express his interest in me and to remind me of how he's wanted me for the past 25 years. Last week, he started just asking a few basic questions about my job and so I answered.
Then, out of the blue, he claims, "I still think we'll be together some day."

So, here's the problem. I like this man's words. I like the fact that he wants me. I let him engage me because I haven't told him to back off. He's offered to back off more times than I can count, but I haven't been able to do it. I keep allowing him in. I have found myself fantasizing about his life and/or life with him(he has the single successful CEO penthouse lifestyle)....YES, knowing full well that the grass is NEVER greener over there. I know that, I'm not stupid. I'm know I'm in the wrong. I just can't get out of the cycle. I've officially deleted all the texted messages from my phone. Thankfully, the guy is 2500 miles away.

I don't get it. I do love my man and am often overtaken with positive feelings towards him where all I want to do is hug the crap out of him!

The only time I have doubts is when his youngest child is acting like a spoiled rotten brat and being mean to everyone, especially me. I often wonder if I can handle this child once she hits 12, 13, etc.......I truly want to stay committed to my man but I let doubt set in.

I admittedly have fear. I fear abandonment. I fear getting too attached and then having him find out the truth about who I am and what an awful person I am. Honestly, I would lose him if he knew I was letting this other guy communicate with me. What is wrong with me?????? Why do I not have the guts to tell the other guy to back off? I've hinted, I've told him to find a girl near him, etc. His response has always been, "Yeah, there are lots of women I find attractive, but they're not you. I want you." Last convo had him basically saying, "I've wanted you for 25 years." And, then he goes on to tell me about all the reasons why I'm a catch, how my drive and my perserverance, and my ability to overcome is a big part of my attractiveness. He has all the words that my bf doesn't express. My bf shows his caring and love with his actions, but rarely tells me why he loves me.

And, I go back to: WTF is wrong with me???
I am considering counseling. I'm working with my sponsor and trying to dig deeper to figure out why I'm such a terrible girlfriend!