amy...I don't think I am any "wiser" on these kind of sensitive issues than anybody else....but I can give you my feelings on it.....
To me, as a parent, it would hurt my feelings...down deep...no matter how tempting it would be to be politically correct to state otherwise...lol...
to my way of thinking...living together does not convey the title---mother, grandmother, etc.
How one addresses the position of another person is a sensitive subject....and , for a reason, I think. It is a cultural mechanism for identifying a person's role and position in relation to other persons.
I think it does matter--have meaning....
With this particular daughter, I know that it is hard to understand why she does a lot of things...and, I do appreciate that you have to choose your battles with her and just have to choose to let a lot of things slide....a sort of "consider the source" kind of thing.....
My thoughts on the Holiday time conflicts....That is one that so many families have to face...I know that I have had to in the past...uugh!
I think that we just have to do the best we can considering the individual situations and intervening variables (and there can be so many!)....
I think that it is good to look at holidays as not just one day...but a "season".....that can cut down on a lot of the fighting!
I do think that when there is a new baby in the immediate family especially,, if you do not see them on a daily/weekly/monthly basis..that should take the first priority, when possible. Christmas day is a fun day, with lifelong memories, when there are younger children involved...and childhood is so fleeting, anyway....
I think that the day before Christmas...or the day after...or, even combining Christmas with New Year should be acceptable for friends...I think that good friends would understand that.....
Amy...I don't think there is one answer to this dilemma that fits everybody.....
I think it just has to be worked out on an individual basis---hopefully, that people will be as adult about it as possible.....
I do think that it might keep feelings of rejection down, if one explains their constrictions, when making plans with others---WHEN it is expedient to do so...but, one shouldn't have to twist themselves into a pretzel and JADE themselves to death...lol....
After all, it is impossible to please all people, all of the time!
I don't know if this helps you....These questions can become very complicated, in certain circumstances.....