Hope
It's difficult to find the positive in breaking your sobriety. I'm certainly not encouraging it. Something was different this time with drinking. The familiar feeling of numbing myself did not feel like relief. In fact, it repulsed me. I didn't like the familiar feeling and it did not make me want more. I couldn't even stay awake soon after I started drinking.
When I woke up I felt sick and immediately poured the remaining down the sink. I wasn't sobered up, but it was like I knew I didn't want anymore and it was time to go home and start again. I don't know why I drank to begin with, but there was nothing there for me. For the first time instead of wanting more, I wanted to stop.
Something has changed in my thinking. My mind has reacted differently to it. I couldn't see how much had changed until I had that drink and now I see there have been more changes within me than I realized.
This week I will have a sponsor and a plan in place. I know this is what I want and I realize I am different now. Alcohol does not hold any value to me and I think I proved that this past weekend. Things are changing and for the better.