I too lapsed after nearly 9 months of sobriety. The self hatred and shame and anxiety you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
I say lapsed and not relapsed though, I obviously learned some things whilst living clean and I am determined to get back on that bloody horse. You can too
One thing I try to do is be kind to myself, some might think I am selfish at the moment and I am I suppose. But this shizz is life and death so be selfish if you have to.
xx