Looking back, 3 things that hurt me the most that I had the power to do something about:
1. Isolation. I self-isolated with shame, with trying to control what was uncontrollable , with not knowing I was even doing this.
2. Believing my marriage and taking care of my spouse was more important than my own emotional, physical, spiritual and mental health.
3. Turning to the wrong people for help... friends and family who seemed like they were helping, yet this kept us bogged down in the mire of the disease; doctors who didn't specialize in addiction who didn't have a clue that their suggestions kept us running in a hamster wheel of going nowhere.
By breaking through the isolation and walking through the doors of Alanon meetings, the rest started to come together. It's a journey, not a race.
I didn't like going to meetings, but it's what saved me and my marriage. If my marriage hadn't survived, nothing I could have done would have "fixed" that.