URTheQuarry

I've been wondering about a number of specific topics over recent days, and would be very interested to hear the thoughts of anyone who's had any of these particular experiences with their alcoholic spouse.

1. How do (or would) you respond to a claim by your AS that 12-Step groups aren't for them because they don't feel listened to by the people there, and that they can't stand what they call the "evangelism" of the meetings and the way in which people describe recovery? In the scheme of things, is this just an excuse not to go - or do people thInk there is something in the idea that 12 Step genuinely might not be the best approach for everyone?
(I should qualify that my AS's issue doesn't appear to be anything around the Higher Power, but more a general distaste for what he feels is judgement about anyone who doesn't "get" 12 Step or embrace it with full zeal).

2. Besides physically going to AA groups, at what point did it feel okay for you to unburden yourself to another third party such as a trusted close family member (say parents or siblings), or a very old friend? Did you tell your AS you were doing this, and what was the result? (Again, I ask this because of the idea that 12 Step depends on anonymity. In my own situation, however, my AS has long held a belief that he detests being a subject of "gossip". I now wonder whether this is a subtle type of control, and whether I'm denying myself a source of perspective on the situation).

3. For those of you who are still, to all intents and purposes, functioning couples - how did you or do you deal with social situations with other couples? Particularly if you know your AS's behaviour around alcohol and when you're in a group is a specific boundary for you?
I ask this because I know I am stalling on arranging things with people for this very reason - now that my AS is drinking again. Counterintuitively (because the social embarrassment feels trivial, as an impact), I also feel this might be the deal-breaker that makes or breaks us as a couple. I know my AS feels lonely where we live and that he needs to socialise semi-regularly. I know this too, and yet I eye each opportunity now with some trepidation. (When things get bad at home, it's the cycle of awkward events and reunions with people that seems the most relentless. How did you manage to pause it or even stop it altogether?)

Ergo, we both feel trapped.

Update on my previous post: I think I am going to ask for a frank conversation with my AS in the next week, in the same place we went when things went pear-shaped a year ago (I.e. public, so that things stay calm and nobody flies off the handle). I will try and open the conversation by asking something like "How do you think things are going for you, one year on from when we were last here?" or "What's been your experience since you were last abstinent?" In other words, try and steer clear of being accusatory or inflammatory, while persuading him to take stock and acknowledging the elephant in the room. There are too many warning signs beginning to mount up for me, and in terms of previous patterns, I don't want to wait for things to get even worse...

Thanks in advance for any answers to my questions - any insights based on people's lives experience would be really gratefully received.