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Old 07-22-2017, 05:06 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
tr4vionz
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 22
Thanks and that's exactly why I'm here to find help services. I want to try AA but I think I'm not strong enough or disciplined enough at this point for this. I truly think that's the biggest problem I have in all of this. I've never learned to be strong as a man and face my fears head on. I've always had a crutch...weed, cigarettes, alcohol, mental health, but I've never been strong ya know?

After so many disappointments in life I just let go and gave up and from there I've just been attacked by the lions ever since. I guess at this point the thing that I am looking for is strength and my survival skill has always been something self destructive. Even the friends and wives I've lost saw that I was weak and ran me over. My own mother and brother have said that I am soft and it tears me up inside because I truly am and I run away, hide in my apartment, lay in my bed and drink all day because I am weak.

At my last place of employment everyone knew it too. From my former bosses, to my current boss, to my lead, to my coworkers, I was the weak one. A 6'1'' 250lb weakling and because I never said anything I was pushed around. My whole life I've never known how to defend myself and drug and alcohol always soothed me like a warm hug. I have bipolar disorder (which I think is Aspergers like my son has) and I fear that if I blow up on someone I'm going to lose it like my mother would do with my father when I was growing up yelling and screaming. Or like my brother on the 4th of July this year yelling at my mother. Or like my ex wife who use to scream at me. Or like my sons mother who hustled me. (my son who I haven't seen in 8 years but pay $800/m in support) Or like the people who love to yell at me and I crawl away and sink into a bottle.

If I had one wish in all of this is that I could find strength. I wish that I could be confident and stand up to those who take my kindness for weakness and run me over. I've even had to change barbers twice this year because they treated me like crap, my whole life has been like this and I'm tired now. I want to fight back but I don't have it in me and I fear I will be sober for awhile and then because like my mother said "you're an easy target" I'll fall back into running away and finding the bottle to face the world.
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