Old 07-15-2017, 05:10 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
tromboneliness
Member
 
tromboneliness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Perfectsurvivor View Post
He thinks I shouldn't be so hard on her because "she's your mother"... doesn't understand why I'm so disconnected from her and why I won't "at least try" to have a relationship (she's claiming sobriety, but has yet to acknowledge what she's done wrong or apologize).
This is what the "normies" can't understand. You HAVE been "at least trying" -- your whole life! The fact that "she's your mother" is an accident of birth.

The reality of these situations is completely backwards from the way most people think of family relationships. That's why it's so hard to get away from the toxicity and dysfunction. Everyone give you this "blood is thicker than water" nonsense, meaning that you're somehow supposed to put up with abuse, lying, and all sorts of harmful, unacceptable action, just because someone happens to be related to you.

That's why the "family of choice" is so helpful, in recovery. People we choose to associate with -- our friends. We associate with them, because they've done something to deserve it, not just because we happened to be born into their family.

I had the same problem with my extended family, when I was locked in a power struggle with my Dad (now deceased). They totally didn't get it, and basically allowed him to manipulate them into doing what he wanted -- to the point where it felt like I was the only sane one, and it was the whole family against me. I'm still here -- because I was 47 and my Dad was 90, I used to say, "I don't need to win this game, all I need is a tie," so I kept dribbling the ball around until the clock ran out on him. You may have to do some of the same thing -- and it will look, to your family/spouse/etc. as though you're being unduly harsh/heartless/thoughtless -- but an addict is likely to keep lying, cheating, and stealing (or whatever they do). You have been "at least trying" to do the right thing, your whole life -- and look where it got you! So you're sticking up for yourself now. You have the right to do that!

Good luck!

T
tromboneliness is offline