Sober revolution - I Love it!
SAH - I suppose you are drinking now? I think it will be a good idea to come back here after a good sleep and re-read your posts. Probably it will be the last think you will want to do because we are often ashamed of our actions under the influence and try to avoid facing the consequences at all costs.
But yo have to face yourself under the influence and start your recovery from there.
Will you help your husband if you keep calling yourself all sorts of names? No.
If you really want to make your life and life of your loved ones better you have to stop blaming yourself, bite the bullet, and start taking actions.
Otherwise you will keep running the same vicious circle over and over again.
Make a plan. Work it. It is that simple (not easy).