Old 07-11-2017, 09:42 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Missyk
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 20
Thanks again for replying, I'm sat here in tears not for sympathy but for pure hatred in myself ,wondering how is it possible that things spiraled so bad so fast ,2 years ago I was working in a bar for four and a half years but was getting more and more depressed and drinking more for confidence and to try and fit in ,then obviously the panic attacks were getting worse and worse so was upping my pills more and more till eventually I just couldn't pretend that I was ok and happy and strong like everyone else, I would cry and shake all the time before work and then sometimes had a drink before I'd go in and then I just broke one day,totally, and sat and wrote my notice . Since that day I have hit rock bottom ,lost every so called friend as I hide away in my house hating myself more and more,I didn't realise it was possible to hate oneself so much and to feel such a complete waste of space /failure ! And ti be told your parents would be turning in there grave if they could see me now ,from my boss well that hurt so bad ,but yeah they would I knew that already and have done most of my life ,father always said I was useless piece of .... !! .... I did try to work and lasted around 3 months until again I was called a mental case in front of all that no me ,that was the worst as I'd managed to hide my panic attacks from most while I worked as did not need the pity and judgement and non understanding ,so there was the major fall ,this person supposedly a therapist ripped the plaster off for all to see ,and in a small village well as you no its hard enough trying to keep yourself to yourself but she publicly ruined me ,as if I wasn't struggling enough which she new about as I had confided in her,biggest mistake ever !!!! I'm going on again sorry,I'd talk to my cats but they never reply lol... I'm taking all of your advice and I am on a taper with my doc ,but need to tell her about the drinking side as I am worried about seizures, and I will make an appointment with an addiction centre ,and will try to stop saying can't if I can .... I still don't really understand how this works ,I don't want to bore everyone to death as I no everyone has there own stuff to deal with, so il shut up now (relief) !!thanku again for your helpful advice , it means a huge amount Xx kath
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