You know those pictures within a picture that you get, where if you look at the ugly old crone just so, then you will stop a beautiful girl? And sometimes you can stare and stare at it and not be able to see that darned beautiful girl, but then later, when you're not looking for her and your focus is different, out she pops, right in front of your eyes when you least expect it.... Well, for me the question of WHY was pretty much the same. Once I stopped dwelling on that and focussed my attention instead on my recovery, every so often I would suddenly get little bits of insight into my past behaviours. I suspect that if I'd not worked on my recovery first I would still be sitting there trying to spot my Why's. I needed the altered perspective that recovery afforded me to make sense of what was always there.
PS. A man stood on a burning ship. Someone called to him to jump on the lifeboat. He stood, a tragic and noble figure. "I will not get off this ship until I find the cause of this fire." ....
Sometimes we just need to focus on getting our butt out of the flames. First things first and all that. Plenty of time to think about the other stuff later.