Jellybean, I completely understand how you are feeling. I think forgiving ourselves is a very hard thing to do. For me, it sure didn't happen all at once. It was an ongoing process and I had to forgive over and over again. I found that journaling helped by getting the words out of me and onto paper. When those thoughts come to your mind, try to simply recognize them and let them go, rather than getting caught up in the emotions. You can do this!