Originally Posted by
thomas11 
So based on your description, there are other qualities your husband has that make your life miserable. You may find once you get some serious sober time under your belt and you are strong, that you want to move on and create a better life for yourself. Not saying its going to happen, but if you read enough around this site, many marriages don't make it after one sobers up. Just something to think about.
Yes. Part of why I am unwilling to consider leaving him is because I am looking at the relationship through drunk eyes. I know it seems unfair to imagine that I may be 'stringing him along' just to dump him when I'm stronger. From our conversations (my husband and I), however, that seems to be unlikely to happen. I can't be completely sure but there is a threatening undertone in a lot that he says that makes me feel like I don't have a choice but to stick it out. Remember though, I am the alcoholic and I've wreaked havoc in his life enough already so i'm just wondering if I deserve to be feeling the way i'm feeling. It's just so complicated. The best way to sum it up, and I have, thankfully, had this realisation for a while now, is that I started a relationship with him without really knowing myself. If I had met him when I was in a better, more mature place in my life, I highly doubt I would have carried it on. Sounds bad and sad and unfair to him, I know. I do care for him but we don't have a normal relationship at all. Tbh, we don't talk much anymore.... Or I don't talk to him anymore because almost EVERYTHING I say, any information I volunteer, leads to some sort of criticism or is unappreciated or misconstrued. Yet on my part, I encourage him and am always positive and reinforcing of what he does. I just learned that it's better to keep most things to myself if I want to avoid being disappointed or hurt, which inevitably leads to drinking. I will say that I had a drinking problem way before I met him so that's definitely all on me.